it was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day….

It’s not always roses down here at the L household. Well today was just one of those days. Firstly, I woke up to Odeur du Dying Rat. Don’t you love the smell of decomposing rodent in the morning? Well the wonderful summer (*BIG SNORT) has apparently come to a sudden end, and with the cool weather, the usual pest exodus to the warmth of the house has begun.

One particularly annoying, and very very dead rodent (*or I should say, SUSPECTED rodent) has come to an untimely end beneath our floorboards under the dining room. According to our helpful neighbourhood expert Rick, IF it is a rat, it could take 7-10 days to stop smelling (i.e. to get consumed by bugs and mummified) BUT and this is a big BUT, if it is something BIGGER, like a possum, or a nest of rats, or a misguided koala, it could take up to a month!

STREAM OF HOKKIEN EXPLETIVES DELETED!!!!!

So the Irishman got a Pest Expert (who was very bemused by my screaming) in to crawl through the access point in our floorboards today, but apparently the Big Kahuna is not accessible from that point as it is behind a SOLID MUDBRICK FOUNDATION WALL! So guess what, I’m getting a Very Expensive Carpenter in tomorrow to cut not one, but THREE frigging manholes (that’s Australian for trapdoor, not a Singapore gay bar) in our wooden floors to turf out the little @$)* turd!

And THEN, because this is Australia, and an expert may do only one task at a time, I have arranged for the Bemused Pest Expert to crawl through the Manhole carved by Very Expensive Carpenter and retrieve F**king Inconvenient Rodent and drop kick him into the dam. Hopefully all goes according to plan, or I will be checking into Tussie Mussie Estate, the Posh B & B next door to our house, by 2.00 p.m. (Standard Check in Time in Oz).

AND NOW FOR REASON NUMBER TWO on the why it was a terrible, horrible etc. etc. day today….

I decided to cut poor little Dylan’s hair out of misguided frustration/ a surfeit of artistic energy/ neurosis. And of course, little D, who started off so nice and quiet watching an episode of Wonder Pets on my iPad, decided to throw a good old tanty when I was cutting her fringe. And I’m not going to show you a side view, but let’s just say that she will be wearing a very large turban or headband for the next few weeks to conceal the large hairless patch near her ear. Luckily they are back in fashion.

This is Dylan going through the stages of coming to terms with her haircut – shock, denial, disbelief, stunned mullet etc.

Nanny S was trying to put a positive spin on things by saying that we could accessorise her etc, but truth be told, the only accessory for what her haircut looks like is a fraying old rope belt and dungarees, then you could cast her in one of the Cohen Brothers movies as Wastrel Redneck Child #2 or somesuch.

Oh well. There were another couple of reasons – like being promised dumplings for dinner by kind neighbour Kate, which didn’t materialise due to a traffic jam holding up the Dumpling Conveyor from Melbourne, a increasingly erratic and slow Mac computer, a too-boring-to-explain encounter with Beauracracy, and a whopping huge sore throat. So I’m just going to crawl into bed with my main man, F. Scott Fitz, and call it a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. Some days are like that, even in Australia.

5 thoughts on “it was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day….

  1. You may have had a bad day but it was so well written you gave me a laugh. Our rat men don’t seem quite as sophisticated as yours. We have to make do with big pieces of cardboard scattered round the garden covered in sticky yellow glue. We then have to listen to their terrified squeaks for help over the next 24 hours as they slowly come to terms with their impending doom. Serves the big one right though who repeatedly ran at my mosquito screen on the back door till he actually burst a hole through it to get into the house!!! Had no sympathy for him!

    • @birdie, you made my day!

      @jit, the rat has been evicted! apparently it was an entire nest of them, eeks!

      @mom, you’re so asian! dylan was totally fine with her hair this morning. she has decided that when she looks pathetic she gets more food.

      xxx to all!

  2. Oh dear, hope the smell situation gets resolved soon. I had a brief flea infestation once, and someone told me it could be because there was a dead rodent in my crawlspace. Disgusting! Fortunately, we did not have any bad smells.

    Dylan’s hair will grow out! Just act like her hair is gorgeous and she’ll believe

  3. Sympathies from Mommy ! All will come to pass. Dylan’s hair will grow back and the smell will go away……Like what I had always said about the classic Chinese reply to all problems….” Ren !” which means ” Patience !”

    Remember classic Bruce Lee moment in a movie ( The way of the Dragon ?)where he asked fellow disciples what his murdered master had said before dying. In slo-mo, their fingers point to the word on a painting hanging in the hall…” REN!”

  4. I’ve just read this blog entry now, Crystal. I’m on my knees thanking God I wasn’t there for your rodent experience. My skin is crawling just reading about it. Hope there is no repetition. xox

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