It’s funny how kids form alliances. Sean & Dylan have been best pals lately, especially since they have a common cause to rally around – the containment and neutralisation of one 2 year old named Finn Leahy. I often see them plotting, nodding solemnly at each other in the corner of the playroom and drawing diagrams of little booby traps with crayolas.
Finn’s been such a little bollocks recently (the terrible twos combined with a case of swine flu which left him super grumpy) that we’ve come up with a grading system of his moods.
Here’s our proprietary system:
Defcon 3 – “Brateous Maximus”
– whinging punctuated with occasional high-pitched shouts, querulous demands for random things to be procured, changing of his mind as soon as said items are found
Defcon 2 – “Tyrannosaurus Brat”
– high-pitched wailing, telling everyone he wants to go on the naughty step, demanding that Milo goes on the naughty step, attempted projectile launches at mei mei Dylan or ko ko Sean, all resulting in temporary isolation from family activities and much sulking from Tyrannosaurus Brat and then a bright shiny smile at the end of time-out and a saccharine sweet “sowwy mama…” only for the cycle to be repeated within half an hour
Defcon 1 – “Nuclear Brat”
– An intentional considered flouting of a clearly specified rule, coupled with the drawing of adult attention to said flouting, and then the pretense of enjoying the meted out punishment.
E.g. Scene: In The Car
Mama: Finn do not touch that door handle. If the door opens, you will fall out. Dangerous!
Finn: Pinn Pinn want to touch door handle. Pinn Pinn like naughty step. Pinn Pinn Dangerous!
Mama: Finn, if you touch the door handle again, Mama is going to smack you because it’s dangerous.
Finn: Look Mama look (slow-motion reach and grab of the door handle)… Pinn Pinn touching…
Mama: That’s it!
*SLAP SLAP SLAP! of hand*
Finn: Waaa! (for 2 seconds) (recomposes his demeanour) Pinn Pinn like door handle Mama! Sowwy…